I can’t tell you the last time I’ve decided to re-read a book I’ve already read – just because…… (referencing them doesn’t count). But I decided to pick up the book “Radical Acceptance ” by Tara Brach, Ph.D., after I ordered it for a friend (orignially couldn’t find my copy to lend her…meant to be maybe?).  When I received the copy I ordered for her, sure enough, I found my copy. This book was recommended to me when I was going through a difficult time in my life. It was a big help then, but I’m amazed at how much more I resonate with its messages. One of which is learning to pause.

I was literally just reading about this last night when I was able to put this into practice with my son. I’m obviously not the most objective person when it comes to my kids, but my son is really one of the sweetest kids I know (and he makes me laugh). But when it comes to Lego’s – he seems to forget that the world outside of what he’s doing even exists (which by the way I’m thrilled that he loves playing with them…it’s just his choice of when he plays with them).

Like many other parents, we’re usually scrambling in the morning to get ready and get out of the house. Yesterday morning I went in to check and see  if he was getting changed. He got halfway there…..but decided he needed to sit on the floor naked and assemble something! Normal mom reaction…”What are you doing? Get dressed, we have to leave…blah, blah, blah..”. After going out to dinner with family last night we have the normal “I took a shower first LAST night…” between both kids (because of course it’s absolute punishment to get clean). After about 10 minutes of hearing the water running I go into the bathroom to make sure he’s washed his hair…..but he’s standing naked at the counter PLAYING WITH THE LEGO’S  he wanted to take INTO the shower! Fiteen minutes later I decide to tell him to pick up the pace as I want some hot water for a bath later and he’s sitting on the floor IN the shower…playing with Lego’s!!  He got a little smarter this morning….he got his pants on and shut the door to his room….and played with Lego’s!

My opportunity to pause came this morning when I opened his bedroom door and saw him sitting on the floor with his Lego’s. Much like Tara Brach says in “Radical Acceptance”,  practicing pausing makes it easier and easier (fortunately my kids have given me lots of practice!). As opposed to flying off the handle, I took a minute (probably seconds) and just looked at him. “Sorry, sorry”, he says, jumping up to finish getting ready. All I could do was smile at him. As I was able to pause (even if it was brief), I felt a huge sense of gratitude that he had something he loved doing SO much that he could completely get lost in it.  So, needless to say, nemesis or not, the Lego’s are here for a while!

I’m just as floored that it’s 2009 as anyone else (and as I was  in 08, 07, 06, 05, etc.)- but I have to say I don’t have any resolutions this year! I’m hardly saying that I’m perfect, but I am, for the first time in a LONG time, perfectly happy.  I have finally found that “thing” that I adore- that I get to do every day, and it never feels like work. It makes all the other things I’ve tried SO worth the grief and frustration I felt when it didn’t go as I had hoped (and yes, I know, hindsight is 20/20- or as someone once told me “it’s easy to see the blessings AFTER you’ve gotten through it”).  I remember having a conversation with my therapist a while back and she told me a story about someone who left their career to pursue an idea/business of their own.  They believed SO much in what they were doing that they (a husband and wife) sold their house and their wedding rings to continue pursuing it. The end result was that the first income earned from what they were doing brought them millions of dollars- literally! (don’t ask- I have no idea what it was….).  I remember thinking as I was starting this journey into online marketing if I would do that? Could I give up everything to pursue it? And I can honestly say, without a doubt, that I would.

Besides the fact that the business is growing, I’ve realized that I really don’t have to give up anything- well, anything that matters anyways. None of my “stuff” matters as much as the way I’m feeling. My kids are great, my health is great, my family is around…..and I LOVE what I’m doing. I’ve actually been trying to weed out more “stuff” so I have less to maintain. I am SO grateful to feel at peace right now that the only thing I’m doing this year is to continue what I’ve been doing, full of grattitude and appreciation for everything in my life.

I guess my point is just that complaining and reiterating how miserable the economy is won’t change a single thing. For the most part I don’t watch the news or read anything that’s a reminder as to how hard things are….everywhere. I will read uplifting and positive news pieces (although they’re just a tad harder to find). Interesting isn’t it that when gas was almost $4 /gallon this past summer it was on the news constantly. It’s now under $3, but no one says much. And honestly, as hard as it was to pay the almost $4 a gallon, that’s still no where near what it costs in Europe or Canada.

I’m hardly saying we should bury our heads in the sand and pretend everything is perfect, but what I am saying is if you decide to look for what is good in your life, I think you’ll find it simply feels better to be grateful.

There’s a big difference between activity and productivity. Personally, I’m sort of a fan of both. When it comes to starting a business, both are important. Too much productivity feels like a JOB though….not what I’m looking for anymore.  I’m hardly against hard work, but when what you’re doing doesn’t feel like work, you know that it’s because you feel inspired to do whatever it is you’re doing. I never feel like I have to “motivate” myself anymore. Motivation is external and inspiration is internal. Everything I’m doing is coming from within. The next thing I have to figure out is how to walk away when I’m feeling this “inspired”. There are plenty of times when I could keep working, but I know that keeping a balance is key to staying inspired. I’m still working on this, but I know I’m getting there.

I’ve found that the massage does just as much for me mentally as it does physically (well, almost). I love to get 90 minute massages (who doesn’t?), and the spa that I go to is fairly reasonable for the price (I think it’s $95 for 90 minutes….which I’ve paid way more for a 50 minute massage at some hotels….and they have never been as good). What this does for me is it allows me to just sort of slow down my brain for a while. Like most other people, I have a lot going on in my life. I spend the majority of my work day on the computer so my neck is constantly tight. Because the work I’m doing is for my own company, it’s kind of hard to shut it off- and I love what I’m doing. So when I get a massage I really make a conscious choice to relax, breath deeply and enjoy the quiet.  I usually leave feeling in a very calm place….even if I have to get back to my ‘things to do today’ list- I’m able to enjoy what I’m doing, get more accomplished and at a less huried pace.

I’ve tried a handful of things in my adult working life- and NOTHING has felt as right as this. When I started this journey, my intention was just to get a couple of websites of my own online and find the best way to monetize them. Months later I’m now developing websites for other people……and loving it to. Sort of….

One of the things that really drew me to starting an online business was that it didn’t feel like a JOB! I spent a good 15 years in management and tried a few different sales positions. What I learned was that I know I don’t want to be responsible for anyone anymore (employees) and I’m not sure to what degree I want to be responsible TO anyone either. So I guess that’s where the figuring it out comes into play.

A few years ago I would’ve taken some of the frustrations I’m feeling right now and done a number on myself in my head. NOW….I’m just sort of taking it all in and “sitting” with it. While I still don’t know exactly where I’m going with all this (the business), I’m clearly learning what I “don’t” want to do and starting to figure out which direction I “don’t” want to go in……. and the best part is that I’ve realized I don’t NEED to figure this all out any time soon. I’m just enjoying the ride.

For some reason it was a little easier during the summer to take an hour out of my day and lay in the pool and read a book. As the weather starts cooling off and I’m getting busier, I think I’m going to have to unplug the phone once in a while and make sure I shut down the work and turn on my personal life (they seem to be getting a little mixed up). Maybe it’s because I have never enjoyed what I’ve done the way I do now (it really never feels like work). But in order to make sure it doesn’t start feeling like work, I clearly need to set some limits. I think I’ll start right now…..by going to bed.